Memories
by Emma Solo
Summary: "In the seclusion of her own room, Leia cries, but no one knows; no one cares to look deep enough to know. No one can see the pain that drowns her." Leia's thoughts after Han is frozen in carbon. SongFic-ish. Post ESB. Please review!


Song: Memories by Within Temptation

The characters belong to Lucas Film. I'm just using them.

**Memories **

_**In this world you tried, not leaving me alone behind. There's no other way; I'll pray to the gods: let him stay. The memories ease the pain inside, now I know why. All of my memories keep you near, in silent moments, imagine you here. All of my memories keep you near, the silent whispers; silent tears.**_

Silence, that's all there is.

The silence is the biggest reminder to Leia of how truly alone she is; filled only by the sound of each shaking intake of breath and each choked sob exhaled. In her mind their last words echo…

_I love you _

_I know  
><em>In the seclusion of her own room, Leia cries, but no one knows; no one cares to look deep enough to know. No one can see the pain that drowns her. No one can hear how her soul cries out, when her mouth remains shut. In the desperation to lessen the pain that wrenches her heart, she clutches her knees tightly to her chest. Like a moth to a flame, her mind is drawn to his memory.

_You like me because I'm a scoundrel; there aren't enough scoundrels in your life. _

_I happen to like nice men. _

_I'm a nice man. _

_No you're not, you're—_

so much more than that.

Another choked sob rips its way through her chest, coming out of her mouth as a strangled gasp in her attempts to keep quiet.  
>So much wasted time…<br>Three years of wasted time, spent arguing and hiding feelings that were inevitable. For three years, she could have loved him and could have been loved by him in return. Instead they had one month; the best 2, 629, 743.83 seconds of her life. Each one ticked by far too fast, but she knew it was her own fault, and that hurt.

_**Made me promise I'd try, to find my way back in this life. I hope there is a way, to give me a sign you're okay. Reminds me again it's worth it all, so I can go home. **_

Sometimes, she wonders how she will go on living her life, knowing she may have lost him forever. The knowledge that she is needed is the only thing she clings to in her darkest nights. The battles she fights each day, both physical and emotional, would be for nothing if she let go. Though Leia tries her best to hide it, everyone knows she's hurting. They all wonder how much more the princess can take before she breaks; before their fearless leader shatters beneath the burdens she's forced to carry.

She cries more, until her eyes run dry and her head aches. Everything in the room spins, making her want to scream. Scream for things to stand still, for the pain to stop, for her life to be whole again.  
><em>Again? When was it ever whole?<em>  
>It seems that every time her heart dares to love something, or someone, they are cruelly snatched away.<br>Leia holds her pounding head in her hands. Her eyes droop with exhaustion from days spent working hours on end, and nights spent crying, and screaming with the nightmares that plague her mind. Each time she closes her eyes, she sees him lowered into a cold metallic doom, and wakes in a cold sweat.

Leia rises numbly from her bed, and drags her leaden body to the fresher. She splashes water on her face, washing away the tear tracks left behind. She shuts her eyes tightly, unable (or unwilling) to look at her own reflection. She is afraid of seeing what she's become; the broken shadow of the woman she used to be. She swallows a glass of water, reliving her parched throat, and then goes back to bed and collapses there. Her puffy, red eyes grow heavy with the rest of her body, so she closes them and soon falls asleep.

_**All of my memories keep you near, in silent moments, imagine you here. All of my memories keep you near, the silent whispers silent tears. **_

This time when sleep overcomes her mind, she isn't in the carbon freeze chamber, they aren't sharing a desperate last kiss, and her heart doesn't break all over again. This time the air around her is warm and salty; a complete contrast to the smoggy air of Bespin. She breathes deeply, filling her lungs with the rich oxygen, and allows the breeze to blow her hair into a chocolate brown mess of tangles.

She feels a familiar presence; _his_ presence, and her heart is full, if only for a little while. She extends her very being to him, intertwining their souls intimately, so they are not two, but one.

She knows it's a dream; she knows as soon as she wakes he'll be gone. But she doesn't care; she wants to cherish what little time her mind allows her to be happy. Leia closes her eyes, memorizing the feel of the ocean's breeze, the sand between her bare toes, her dress flowing around her like cloud; free with the wind. She memorizes the feel of his arms, slowly snaking around her waist from behind; the feel of his hot breath against her cheek as he whispers her name.

She looks at him then, stares into his golden hazel eyes, and whispers softly, "I love you."

The wind picks up, whipping long tendrils of hair around her face, into her line of sight. Sand blows everywhere, creating a storm of dust and tiny grains pelting her skin. He says, "I know," but his words are carried away with the wind as he is enveloped in the sand. He disappears in a cloud of dust that becomes smoke, and suddenly she's at Bespin once more, clinging to the wookie like a life raft.

A carbon encased Han hits the ground with a resounding smack against the metal floor, and she wakes to the darkness of her room yet again. And there is only the silence to comfort her.

_**Together in all these memories, I see your smile. All the memories I hold dear. Darling you know I'll love you till the end of time. **_

_**The End **_

I hope you've enjoyed this. I thought it went well with the song by Within Temptation. If you have any suggestions on how I can improve, I would love that. I'm trying to improve my writing, but sometimes I'm just not sure. I don't know if this is any good, because I sort of tried something a bit different.

Thanks you for reading,

_**Darth Jayne **_


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